Mateo Allen

For a long time… probably my whole life, I have silently believed that what matters most in life is my spec sheet. What I have done, my accomplishments, my “trophies.” Work hard, earn your keep and maybe one day people will think you are good enough to keep around

This last season has really undone that belief for me. There comes a point where you look in the mirror and have to face who you are, beyond what you do. Am I the person God made me to be? Or am I so busy trying to prove my worth that I am too busy, self-focused and terrified of failing that I don’t even see the people around me.

I am slowly starting to accept in a way that I never have before, that the issue of my value was and is settled at the cross. I have hurt people deeply. I have been hurt deeply. But regardless, Jesus made me and thought for some reason that I was a good idea despite my wounds and failings. I have nothing to prove to myself, others or him. But I am in awe of how patient Jesus has been with me. How loving, kind, generous, gentle, and convicting at all the same time. I want to be like Him. I want my character to be like Him. I want to know how to be trustworthy, how to love well, how to be patient and be a refuge for others. I have a really long way to go, and each day I realize how far that really is, but the more I see what He is like, the more I have the desire to follow suit - to show others the love and grace He has shown me. I feel like a toddler fumbling around trying to emulate Him, but I’ve begun to realize that He loves me in that so it’s okay to fumble. He will lean in and catch me when I need it, and sometimes He will back off for a moment to let me try standing on my own. But regardless He will always be beside me.